That's a wrap, Folks

Today is the day we are officially finished having children. Four healthy, gorgeous kids is our max. We are done.

Today is vasectomy day. And before you even say it, he WILL be going for the recheck appointment. We will not be playing that game. Doing the "whatever will be will be" thing brought us BabyGirl.

I'm not sorry he is having it done. It is the right thing to do. He does not want anymore and I don't either. I cannot do the pregnancy thing again. It takes quite a toll on my body and there are days when I am overwhelmed by the demands of the life that I have.

But I have discovered something that he simply cannot understand: I still feel sad.

Maybe sad is not the right word. Perhaps nostalgic is better. No actually, I think sad might be right. I'm sad that I'll never again think "Hmmmm, something's up. Could I be pregnant?" Sad that I'll never see that + sign on that stick I peed on. Sad that I'll never again say "I'm pregnant!" to my best friend who will shriek with a joy that only a best friend can have. Sad that I will never again get to feel that first flutter inside me. Sad that I'll never get to have that miraculous ultrasound or think of baby names. I'm a freak so I'm even sad that I'll never get to give birth again.

And when I think of things I will not miss I cannot think of anything, which is ridiculous because there were plenty of discomforts and gripes and woes with every single pregnancy. But at this moment they escape me.

It is the right thing. I am comfortable with the decision. And when I look at the four that I have I know that I am divided as thinly as I can be for my capabilities. Four and a husband and a household is my limit. There are days when I think that one or the other or the other (usually the household) isn't getting the attention it needs. We have 2 parents, 4 grown-up hands, 1 kid per hand. It's a good ratio for us. We'll keep it this way.

But, if you out there in the blogosphere should happen to get pregnant, could you tell me so I can live through you a little? Because even though it is the right choice and a good choice for us, I will always feel nostalgic for the days I cannot get back and the pregnancies I am finished having.